UMBRELA MAN
Another boring day at the office, all days feel the same. Sick of this 9 to 5 life… I fell like I had lived for a two week vocation per year, a weekend per week, a lunch time per day.
Finally 1PM. Just like the rest of every single day I wentto the cafeteria to get some lunch. But this time, this time something weird had happened. A weird man, a new man. A rare thing in the cafeteria. It’s always the same people eating one of the three options we have in the menu. But not him, he was not eating, he was just there, setting, by himself and his gigantic navy blue umbrella. The funny part was that it was not raining, not at all. That day was the 15th of July and the chances of rain were bellow 1%… trust me.
Trying to brake my normal boring routine I gathered some courage and went up to him. I awkwardly sat next him and waited for him to say something. A few minutes go by, I'm eating and he is still there with his umbrella... I finally said something: "come here much?". Such a stupid thing to say since I go there everyday and he was never at the cafeteria. He responded very calmly "no... I'm just waiting for the door to open". He was looking directly at a wall... I understood there and then that he was clearly missing a few screws, but I was still very intrigued by him so l asked him what he did for work and he simply said: "I'm a traveller". To keep the conversation flowing I asked" Okay.. Where are you going now?". He got exited and told me he was going to Niagara Falls, a place he had never gone before. And the asked me if I wanted to go. I said yes, kinda mocking him because of how unreal this all was. Since we were in Madrid and I had work in 25 minutes.
"Its coming!" he said while I was about to finish my meal, meatballs again... "yeah, yeah okay" | said. He quickly grabbed my hand and got teleported to the... you guessed it! The Sahara desert.
"WHAT?!, Where are we?" | couldn't understand what just happened. The man said "ooops... Wrong door". He explained to me that he had understood that space and time were invented to lock us in this 3D world, but he cracked it.
He understood the facade and was enjoying his life and his new "super powers". He also said that now we would have to wait for the door to open, again. It was not the first time he made this mistake, after all he was also still learning. While we waited he told me all about this "super power", how he had been using it for the last years.
Something funny happened in my mind in that moment. My biggest concern at that time was not survival, which would make since since we were stuck in a desert. It wasn't if I was crazy or dreaming since this situation was so absurd. No, my biggest concern in that moment was... I'm late for work... Thats when I also understood and cracked the system. Now I got it! Our mind is filled with such stupid problems that we could never really see the big picture. That plus all that this umbrella guy told me. I got it! It’s not just space, not just teleporting. It was time, I could travel in time and even change my own age.
Now that I could do the same as the umbrella man, I was not going to the Niagara Falls. I was going to time travel to fix the moment I ruined my life! The moment I was born.
The end.
That One Man
Once I saw a man. An old man, a good looking man, a serious man. He was wearing an old fashioned suit with a matching hat and a cane. You know the suits with those thin lines going along them. He looked like a mobster from the 1930s, thats what i’m trying to say. He was just missing that 1932 Ford. Damn… I love those cars!
He seemed really interesting. I wanted to talk to him and ask some questions, but I couldn’t find the courage.
Later that day I was home eating the leftovers of my lunch, spaghetti bolognese, again. That’s when I noticed. On the news I saw that man again. Antonio Masaretti. 98 years old, seen in Madrid wondering in the streets. Most wanted man in the world, presumed dead. Just waking down the sunny beautiful street of Salamanca by himself and his cane.
And that’s when it hit me. I didn’t just notice a man in the street, I recognised my grandfather.
I had only seen pictures and my father never liked talking about him. Yes.. apparently I’m the grandson of the biggest mobster in the world. All that I was told was that my father had ran away from his family back in New York City. He came to Madrid, where he met my mother a beautiful Spanish singer and Married her 4 months later.
I was always curious about my family, but never got the answers to my questions.
I knew my grandfather was somewhere in Madrid and I had to go and meet him. I assumed, due to my amazing detective skills that if he was walking in Salamanca he must of been staying close by. I called all the hotels asking about him, no answer… obviously. So, I searched for the one I liked the most, hoping we shared the same great taste. The choice was clear!
I went to this small very fancy hotel with an vintage decor, huge chandelier hanging from the celling. The hotel was filled with beautiful antiques inside. And there he was. Sitting on the lobby on a red velvet couch. I sat next to him. And the rest, well the rest is history.
All I can say is that I love my new life in New York, I love my new job and I love my new car, a 1932 Ford Model 18 V8.
This time, it was my turn to runaway from my family.
The end.
He seemed really interesting. I wanted to talk to him and ask some questions, but I couldn’t find the courage.
Later that day I was home eating the leftovers of my lunch, spaghetti bolognese, again. That’s when I noticed. On the news I saw that man again. Antonio Masaretti. 98 years old, seen in Madrid wondering in the streets. Most wanted man in the world, presumed dead. Just waking down the sunny beautiful street of Salamanca by himself and his cane.
And that’s when it hit me. I didn’t just notice a man in the street, I recognised my grandfather.
I had only seen pictures and my father never liked talking about him. Yes.. apparently I’m the grandson of the biggest mobster in the world. All that I was told was that my father had ran away from his family back in New York City. He came to Madrid, where he met my mother a beautiful Spanish singer and Married her 4 months later.
I was always curious about my family, but never got the answers to my questions.
I knew my grandfather was somewhere in Madrid and I had to go and meet him. I assumed, due to my amazing detective skills that if he was walking in Salamanca he must of been staying close by. I called all the hotels asking about him, no answer… obviously. So, I searched for the one I liked the most, hoping we shared the same great taste. The choice was clear!
I went to this small very fancy hotel with an vintage decor, huge chandelier hanging from the celling. The hotel was filled with beautiful antiques inside. And there he was. Sitting on the lobby on a red velvet couch. I sat next to him. And the rest, well the rest is history.
All I can say is that I love my new life in New York, I love my new job and I love my new car, a 1932 Ford Model 18 V8.
This time, it was my turn to runaway from my family.
The end.
LUCKY ME
The other day, I woke up at 6:30AM. This would come to be the worst day of my life.
The other day, I woke up at 6:30AM. This would come to be the worst day of my life.
After waking up, taking a shower, getting ready and eating, when I was leaving my very old building I noticed that the super wasn’t there. But he was always there. I say good morning to him every day, but not today. Why? Well because it was 7:30AM and i was supposed to wake up in 30 minutes… unlucky.
I decided to go back home and get some house work done because I had so much time. Whilst washing the dishes, I broke a plate and cut my hand. Whilst making the bed, I hit my foot against the frame. I broke it, I lost my balance, fell and hit my head on bedside table. If the alarm wasn’t wrong none of this would have happened! Unlucky.
I had to go to the hospital, it was in the complete opposite direction of my office… I already knew that my boss would be so mad at me for being late. Unlucky.
I asked my super to help me down and to get a taxi. The taxi driver had the radio on, apparently a huge oil trucker had crashed into a car and there had been a crazy explosion. When I got to the hospital nobody cared about me! All doctors were very occupied, witch is understandable. But this day was really not going my way. Unlucky.
While in the waiting, after waiting for four and half hours I had the worst vision of my life. My place of work had been a victim of a terrorist attack.
That day was the 9th of September 2001.
That was the worst day of my live, but I’m very happy I still have a one.
“Damn I’m so lucky I thought”, If I didn’t wake up so early I wouldn’t of hurt myself, I wouldn’t have been in the hospital and if there wasn’t this accident I would have gone to my work earlier
I would have been dead… lucky me.
I would have been dead… lucky me.
The end.
WEIRD BARE DIALOGUE
GUY 1: Exited for this one!
GUY 2: What do you mean man?
GUY 1: It’s my first time doing this.
GUY 2: That’s impossible! You never had a shit before?
GUY 1: Of course man, but not in a porta-potty.
GUY 2: That’s impossible…
GUY 1: Have you never seen the shows where they take the walls away from the portapotty and the guy inside gets exposed to the world? I would love that to happen to me.
GUY 2: So you are telling me that you are exited to be exposed to “the world” while you take a shit?
GUY 1: Yupp! That’s my dream!
GUY 2: WTF!?
GUY 1: I like it when people watch…
GUY 2: Your dream is my biggest fear… I have checked for all possibilities.
GUY 1: Now that is impossible.
GUY 2: In the shows there is a crane hooked to the potty, not here. And there would be cameras, even if they were hidden, if you look for it you would find them. I have looked and I can’t find them.
GUY 1: Wait wait wait You do this every time?
GUY 2: in gotta-pottys? YES!
GUY 1:You make a good argument…
GUY 2: So… I’m happy to say, thats not going to happen.
GUY 1: Can you help me? GUY 2: Nah man, you crazy?
GUY 1: Please, please!
GUY 2: If I help the potty would be gone and I really need to go, so its going to be a no from me.
GUY 1: Ok, simple fix! I’ll let you go first and after you will help! Sound good?
GUY 2: You make a good argument… You leave me with no options! Okay. I’ll help you.
GUY 1: Okay, go ahead and take my place in line. It’s almost our turn, I can’t believe this is finally going to happen. I have been hoping for this moment for years.
GUY 2: Wait a minute… wasn’t this you first time? Are you taking advantage of my naivety?
GUY 1: No no no! I would never! Okay… I’m… Today alone its the 67th time I’m doing this queue and that’s just today, I have been doing this since I saw the first episode of pranked. That was 12 years ago.
The end.
